The night before I went into labor, my baby became very active. He was moving more often, for longer duration, and with more force than during the entire pregnancy. I was wondering if this was a sign of impending labor, but was unsure. Until this point, I experienced no real contractions. I would have some Braxton-Hicks after being in the car for a long time, but that was it.

The morning of, we went to get a final load of things from our old house. In the afternoon we got some unimpressive Mexican food, then went to walk at the Botanical Gardens for a little over an hour. We stopped at the store for some ice cream on the way home and planned to watch a movie.

Around 9:00 that night I went to the bathroom and saw a lot of blood, and it just kept coming. I figured this might be bloody show, but was a bit disconcerted by the quantity. I couldn’t find anything online that reassured me. At 10:00, mild cramping in the back started. My husband started a bath for me while I laid down, but when I got up from the bed my water broke. It was two pops and a gush of liquid. The contractions became much stronger immediately. There was no questioning whether or not these were real. I dipped in the bath briefly before my husband chased me out since my membranes were broken.

I was able to breath and vocalize through the contractions, but my intentions to walk, squat and use the birthing ball didn’t happen. I was worn out from an early start to an active day, so I laid down hoping to sleep. I only got up when I drenched a towel or had to go to the bathroom. Standing and walking immediately brought on the next contraction, even if it was right on top of the last one. When I laid down, the contractions were usually five to eight minutes apart. Contractions on the toilet cleared out my bladder and bowels. In hindsight, I really should have tried to move around more.

I am not sure of the exact timeline, but I think it was around 3:00 am when the contractions got more intense and I started vomiting with them. Keeping adequate amounts of water down was not possible, and small sips were inadequate. Between 6:00 and 7:00 am, we decided to go to the hospital because I was dehydrated. I was hoping the pain would be more manageable if I was hydrated.

The hospital checked me in efficiently. They were nice and professional, but not pleased with my decision to labor at home. I was “stretched to 5 cm” when admitted. My contractions were between three to six minutes apart. I am irrationally disturbed by needles piercing my skin, but had no issue with the IV being put in at this point. Being hydrated did help make the contractions more manageable for a few hours.

My nurse during labor (Jessica) was wonderful; she gave us a lot of time and attention. We enjoyed talking to her, and she helped us feel comfortable being there. I will hire a doula next time, but this is because I think we were extremely lucky with Jessica; It would be like winning the lottery to get a nurse like her next time. We depended on her so much that I want to ensure we have the same level of support next time.

If you want to go without pain medication, the staff will not offer it. You have to ask for it. I think this is a great policy because I’ve seen stories where epidurals are strongly pushed by staff.

Settled in my room, I was on a saline drip and antibiotics for Strep B. I was able to get up and go to the bathroom, and they were willing to put a lock on the IV if I wanted to move around. Birth balls were available, and they said they might even be able to dig up a squat bar if desired. I did not exercise any of my options because I was exhausted. I still have intentions of trying to move around with the next one, but I will also take a class on pain management beforehand.

The morning was pretty much a blur of a couple minutes of sleep, contraction, a couple minutes of sleep. I don’t remember much. Between 10:00 and 11:00 the contractions became more painful, and I couldn’t even think. When I would try to focus on my breathing I would lose it. Trying to manage the pain with breathing seemed to make the pain worse. Even though I wanted to do this without any intervention, we did research all possibilities.

I broached the subject of getting an epidural or something in the IV, and my husband questioned the decision thoroughly to make sure I was certain. Once I was sure, we attempted to have a discussion about the method of pain control, but I wasn’t capable of making a decision between the two.

We asked the nurse what her observations of narcotics in the IV were. She said that the mothers tend to have fuzzy memories of the event. Some babies seem to have no effect even when the narcotics were administered close to delivery, others seem drowsy even when the last dose was given six hours prior. I opted for the epidural because I would be incurring the brunt of risks rather than the baby.

The anesthesiologist was efficient, and the pain became more than manageable. They prop you up on one side at first, and the entire left side of my body went numb. Even my eye drooped. Once I was able to lay flat the numbness evened out and stopped affecting my face and upper body. The only place that was not numb was my anal sphincter, which was fine because it gave me something to focus on with each contraction. It sucked not to be able to move my legs, but it was extremely relieving to have a clear head again. I was able to relax and chat with my husband and the nurse, but I couldn’t sleep even though I was tired. I don’t regret getting the epidural, but I will try going without one next time.

I did not realize it at the time, but my catheter was not put in properly to drain the urine. I think I was extremely lucky that it did not cause, to my knowledge, residual damage. With each contraction I felt a lot of pressure in my bladder, but assumed it was being pushed out into the bag. When the catheter was taken out later there was hardly anything in it, and I was eager to get to the bathroom. I ended up overflowing the container they have in the bathroom to measure the urine as soon as I was able to make it to the bathroom, and did so again a couple hours after that. I’m glad my bladder and urinary tract were not damaged by the bad insertion.

Around 3:00 pm, a doctor I had never met, Dr. Hernandez, came in. She told the nurse to start more antibiotics and pitocin. We refused the pitocin, and she got angry with us. I don’t remember details of the lengthy discussion (argument?), other than her crossing her arms, setting her jaw, and telling us our baby would be brain damaged if we did not use pitocin. She told us I was not even 6 cm dilated, but the nurse said I was over 6 cm.
After she left, we told our nurse we would revisit the augmentation discussion in two hours if still had not progressed. When she checked two hours later I was 8 cm.

My mouth got really dry, but we didn’t remember ice chips until it was almost time to start pushing. That might have been for the best. The ice at the hospital was awful; it actually made me nauseous. So, I had to weigh the dryness of my mouth against the taste and sick stomach.
Sometime after 6:00 pm, they started prepping for labor. The epidural ran out about 20 minutes before the action started. They said I wouldn’t need it at this point, but offered more if I wanted. I decided to forego it. The contractions did get more intense, but pushing is a completely different experience than laboring. I pushed for 45 minutes with the contractions, pseudo falling asleep between. At some point I just started feeling like he would never come out; it is really frustrating when you think the head is coming out and it goes back in.

He managed to shat before being born, and they were not able to get him cleaned out before he breathed it in. Since he had to be suctioned out, I didn’t get to hold him right away. I just saw his two little arms reaching up.

My husband took a picture for me to see. In our childbirth class, they told us babies are blue when they come out. He was pink and healthy looking. We attribute this to the lack of pitocin.

They wrapped him up before giving him to me. I wanted to do skin to skin contact, but at that point I was just happy to be able to hold him. We had no expectations of a pretty baby, because let’s face it: most babies are ugly. My little guy was surprisingly hansom. He had a full head of hair, big blue eyes and was very alert.

My big thought right now is that if you are thinking about having a baby, make sure you are in a position to stay home. When I have to go into the office, I feel detached from my son and worried about him. He is a mommy addict, so I hate having him stressed by me not being present. When I am working at home, I want to play with him but I can’t. My grandmother or a sitter play with him and show him things. By the time I get to the end of the day I am tired and wish he would just take a nap so I can unwind. I feel like I am unable to fully interact with him, and that I am missing out by the time he goes to sleep at the end of the day. I just want a little head space to myself so I can appreciate him more.

I wish I could just do mommy things with him all day: go for a walk in the morning before it gets hot, play with him, no rush feedings. It would be nice to cook/enjoy cooking again and keep some semblance of clean in the house also. I want to successfully pursue a hobby instead of get criticized for not doing anything after indulging an interest. My husband does what he can, but it seems like we are never able to get ahead of ourselves.

We started to transition over to reusable items when we realized they were simply nicer to use than the plethora of paper products always in need of replenishment.  Some transitions have been easy: grocery bags and toilet paper.  Others have not; we have quite the paper towel addition.  There is just something subconsciously gratifying about tearing the towel off the roll with the lifetime-honed precision.

What it really comes down to is that it is more enjoyable to use items with substance – grocery bags that don’t rip, real plates, cloth diapers, etc.  In the next few days I will explore our transitions to reusable goods- some have been easy, some are still a work in progress.  If anyone has suggestions on new goods to try, let me know!

Now he is a little ball of pseudo-words, coos and pterodactyl shrieks.  When we do not respond in a way he deems appropriate, he just pauses and gives us a look to say “simpletons.”

If you want your baby to start chattering away, look him right in the eye and talk to him as much as he wants!

After three months of leave, I returned to work yesterday.  I have family members who are able to watch him for now, but there are no long term guarantees; they are only willing to work cheap as long as they do not have another job.  It is depressing to have him cared for by someone else, and have him tired at the end of the day instead of social and alert.  After two days I already feel like I am missing out on watching him grow and develop.

My employer seemingly wants to punish me for going on leave, even though I have been a stellar employee for five years.  I will likely be out of a job in the near future- on the plus side I would get to spend time with my baby.  Bye-bye tenuous financial responsibility!

Right now I feel like I am doing wrong by my son by working, but I feel like I would be doing wrong by my husband if he is the sole income when we are in debt.  I hate not being able to anticipate the best action for every situation.  How to turn suck into win?